Close to the Bone: Life-Threatening Illness as a Soul Journey

Close to the Bone: Life-Threatening Illness as a Soul Journey by Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D.

My mother-in-law has given birth to five babies, miscarried one, and has been present at the births of at least 3 other babies.  She has also been present with at least 3 or 4 people as they died.  She always talks about how the processes are so clearly the reverse of each other - watching the life come into a baby as it starts to breathe; seeing the life leave a dying person as they stop breathing.  I have not been present at a death, but what she says makes sense to me.  

This isn't a book about birth or dying, exactly.  It's about the process the human soul goes through preparing for either birth or - Bolen's main focus - death or recovery from serious illness.  In some ways, there isn't a lot of difference between preparing to die or preparing to live or give life.  It's a preparation for change from one state of being to a different state of being.

There are many passages in this book I feel enriched by and know I will use in different ways.  This is one of my favorites:  

"I hope that I can die well - whatever that may mean - when the time comes. . . . When I was pregnant and knew I would be going into labor and delivery for the first time, I also hoped I could do it well.  I did not really know what it would be like . . . Just as I wanted a natural childbirth because I wanted to be conscious, so do I want to be conscious at the moment of my death.  Some people want to be asleep when they die, just as many women want to be unconscious when they deliver babies.  Also, I wanted my newborns to come when they were ready to come, just as I hope to die when I am ready to go."

Inanna, Queen of Heaven and Earth: Her Stories and Hymns from Sumer

Inanna, Queen of Heaven and Earth: Her Stories and Hymns from Sumer by Diane Wolkstein and Samuel Noah Kramer

"He put his hand in her hand.
He put his hand to her heart.
Sweet is the sleep of hand-to-hand.
Sweeter still the sleep of heart-to-heart."

p.43

That's my personal favorite stanza in the poems :-)

This is a rich, textured, complex text - both the translated poems from ancient Sumer, but also the commentary.  I enjoyed it.  It makes so much more sense than the very cryptic version I read on-line more than a year ago.  I'm also glad to have read more of the context of the Inanna's Descent story we use in Birthing From Within classes.

I want to tell Inanna's story many more times so I get it more and more deeply!

The Transition to Parenthood

The Transition to Parenthood: How a First Child Changes a Marriage, Why Some Couples Grow Closer and Others Apart by Jay Belsky, Ph.D. and John Kelly.

This was a fascinating read in many ways.  I think as a married person with children I could hardly help but reflect on my own marriage and parenting in reading it (fortunately, my husband concurs with me that our marriage has improved since we had children, rather than declined.)

One question that occurred to me right away was to wonder about the diversity (or lack thereof) of the population Dr. Belsky's study was based on.  Although he talks about differences in parents' ages, religious views, and educational/work backgrounds, he doesn't ever mention race or sexual orientation.  Or, except by inference, class or financial status.  It's also disconcerting to me that he does not take into account the birth experiences of his subjects (something I would expect to bear some relationship to the outcomes he is interested in.)

After a while, though, I realized that another question I have to ask is about generational change.  Dr. Belsky's study was conducted with couples in my parents' and parents-in-law's generation.  I think some things have changed in the last 30 years that have some bearing on his study findings, especially in the realm of gender role expectations.  Of course gender role expectations are still relevant to marital satisfaction; but for most of my peers, there are (sometimes subtle, sometimes not) differences in how those expectations were formed and play out compared to our parents.  Unless we grew up in or have chosen a fairly extreme social conservatism of one sort or another, it's rare for any of us (male or female) to be unrepentant Traditionalists about gender roles.  The vast majority of us are some sort of Transitionalist or Egalitarian, and there is probably more variation in what those two terms might encompass than there was 30 years ago.

I'm convinced of the importance of the new parenthood transition - but maybe not a lot wiser about how to help it positively in situ.

Labyrinth of Birth: Creating a Map, Meditations and Rituals for Your Childbearing Year

Labyrinth of Birth: Creating a Map, Meditations and Rituals for Your Childbearing Year by Pam England.

Hurray, it's finally out!  I've been waiting for this book for a couple of months and I'm so excited that it's finally here (note to self: go write review on Amazon . . .)

And it's wonderful.  I have already been using the LabOrynth (birth labyrinth) in my childbirth classes and with doula clients.  I've even shared the model as applicable to all kinds of transitions with my religious education colleagues.  But I found lots of things that will enrich my sharing in this book.

Things I especially like:  the Mother and Child labyrinths from the Hopi people.  The Animal Labyrinths of the ancient Nazca people.  A picture of a pregnant woman with labyrinths and spirals drawn all over her body, making me want to try that as a mehndi pattern on a live pregnant woman.  A deeper understanding of the footprint part of the LabOrinth.  Awesome description of Ovarian Breathing.  For whatever reason, the whole section on death & rebirth. the LabOrinth Birth Story.  Inspiration to make myself a clay labyrinth.  And Most of All: the collection of "seeds" in the back of the book!

The quote that calls to me:

"It is an act of humility to ask the Mother to take your grief and pain because it is too great to heal by yourself."  (p. 82)

The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book: A Complete Guide to the Ancient Wisdoms

The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book: A Complete Guide to the Ancient Wisdoms by Allan Hardman.

I am not especially drawn to the Toltec path.  I'm not particularly bothered by it; I agree with many of its tenants.  But I don't see myself as enslaved by my mind, very much anyway.  I don't feel a great longing for freedom that I don't have, most of the time.  Maybe this is because I was raised by someone interested in personal and spiritual growth, who shared many of her learnings with her children.  And I was raised in a faith tradition that values each person's search for truth and meaning, without directing one path or one right way.  And as an adult, I've done my own spiritual work, pretty intensively, for over 12 years.  Maybe all these things have gotten me somewhere. I am aware that I am still growing and learning and strongly desire to keep doing so.  But the metaphors of the Toltec Masters aren't particularly evocative for me.

I think the most useful thing for me about this book is the last chapter: a description of a spiritual journey through Teotihuacan - which is very evocative.  I love seeing another path into the mystery, and how it marches along and diverges from others I am familiar with (Innana's journey to the underworld and twelve step traditions, especially.)

Women's Ways of Knowing

Women's Ways of Knowing: The Development of Self, Voice, and Mind by Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberger, and Tarule.

My scholar self really enjoyed this book.

"People discourse to one another; they gossip with . . ." (p. 116)

"Patience," says the writer Simone de Beauvoir, is one of those "'feminine' qualities which have their origin in our oppression but should be preserved after our liberation." (p. 117)

"The pattern of discourse that women have developed, however, may best be considered as an appropriate response to women's work.  The care of children, or maternal practice, gives rise to maternal thought . . . Many mothers interview their children, rather than lecture . . . Question posing . . . is central to maternal practice in its most evolved form . . . at the heart of connected knowing."  (p. 189)

Questions to Awaken Your Creative Power to the Fullest

Questions to Awaken Your Creative Power to the Fullest by Michele Cassou.

"Judgements point out to you where you are closing the door to your creativity." (p.27)

I am very, very resistant to the philosophy of process painting. Learning about it and doing it are part of the process for certification as a Birthing From Within Mentor, though, so I'm being "forced" to push into this resistance . . .

I know my judgements about process painting close the doors to some creativity. I do. But my judgements are really strong. I have really strong "agreements" or rules about this. But I'm not at all sure what they all are.

Here are some preliminary guesses . . .

Rule: creativity is relational. What I create is not just for me. It's for the community I'm embedded in.

Rule: a beautiful thing is more beautiful if it is also functional. I.e., when I create something, I don't want it to be only aesthetically pleasing. I want it to be useful, too.

Rule: corollary: time spent on creativity must be useful (produce income, entertain others, etc.) - not "just for me"

I'm not phrasing these very judgementally, but there are strong judgements embedded there.

I also found this book an interesting one to read at the same time as another one I'm reading: Women's Ways of Knowing. One of the things the authors of that book talk about is where knowing comes from: not-knowing, knowing based on external authority, knowing based on internal authority . . . it seems to me that Cassou is reacting to common ideas about where it is okay for artistic knowing to come from. More on that later.

Bestfeeding: How to Breastfeed Your Baby

Bestfeeding: How to Breastfeed Your Baby by Mary Renfrew, Chloe Fisher, and Suzanne Arms.

What a lovely book! So straight-forward. I think it would have been useful to me as a first-time mom; maybe even the second or third time around.

However, I would like to recognize a bit more ambiguity in my work with mothers than this book allows.

"Breastfeeding should never hurt, and if it does, it means you're doing it wrong," is one of the basic messages. That may be thoughtful, honest, intelligent, but I'm not sure it's necessary or kind. My own experience of breastfeeding the first time around was that it did hurt, a lot, for at least 6 weeks. And sometimes after that for another 6 weeks or so. I probably was doing some things wrong. But what I was doing right was persisting, getting to know my baby, working with him, telling him and myself we could do it . . .. In retrospect it would have been nice to know that his latch was lazy, I had a mild over-supply, and block feeding would help tremendously. On the other hand, I probably would not have listened if anyone had told me these things. For whatever reason, I believe he and I needed to work it out together, learning how to do it together. It was in some way part of our bonding process. And we made it.

My hope in working with mothers is to encourage their learning process as new mothers - whatever that includes. Simple, clear advice from me is good, and I should know the facts such as they are. But I never want to forget that the mother and baby's nursing relationship is not mine. It's theirs. And I am only incidental to it.

Sisters on a Journey: Portraits of American Midwives

Sisters on a Journey: Portraits of American Midwives by Penfield Chester.

I feel I have been given a treasure in this book; reading it felt nurturing and joyful.

Possibly in part because I began reading it at a birth (I was the sibling doula and the sibling was asleep.)

"Medical ethics are all about power - doctors' authority over patients, policing each other, shepherding the patient through the process - which doesn't have anything to do with what we [midwives] do. We are basically grounded in an ethic of relationship, in interaction and honesty. ... There is a discussion of how one makes an ethical decision based on one's values, and that's why we can't have an explicit ethics statement because everyone's decisions and how they act is dependent upon their social, cultural, racial, religious, and class background." p. 122 (Anne Frye)

"I would describe that one is either codependent with one's fellow humans, or co-creative with God." (p. 147, Faith Gibson)

I just want to keep the whole interview with Candace Whitridge and read it over and over again. I've never heard of her before, but it's so full of things I need to remember and know. One example is the recounting of an African folktale about birth (which I think I have heard before). "It's a one-person log. Only one person can get on this log." (p. 240)

After the Baby's Birth . . . A Woman's Way to Wellness

After the Baby's Birth . . . A Woman's Way to Wellness: A Complete Guide for Postpartum Women by Robin Lim

I have a very clear memory of my first "postpartum visit". I was only 3 1/2 (my mother was visiting this weekend and I asked her to help me date this memory). We went to visit a friend of my mother's who had just had a baby. I remember that we had to be quiet because she was resting. My mother explained to me that she needed lots of rest so she could make milk for her baby (who was very new.) It's amazing to me that I remember this occasion so clearly - I do have other clear memories from about that age, but most of my distinct memories date from when I was 5 or older.

Anyway, I think this is the first book I've ever read specifically about the postpartum period. But it's a topic I feel I know a lot about by osmosis and experience. And from that experience, this book seemed incredibly naive to me. Here's a quote: "What to you may seem like a giant problem actually may be a tiny obstacle." (Referring to breastfeeding.) Sure, that's possible. It's also possible that it really is a giant problem, or that it will continue being a giant problem until you gain some real knowledge, skills, and experience.

Oddly, the section I liked most is the part at the end about difficult postpartums: after miscarriage, after abortion, after placing a child for adoption, with a baby who dies or has significant health issues. Somehow the naivete there seems light and real, whereas in much of the rest of the book, it just reads as denial to me.

I do like the very complete and clear instructions for postpartum exercises including gentle, yogic and other energetic style moving meditations. And I learned a new term: milk fever (see http://www.growingwell.com/motherscorner/bfproblems.htm.) Apparently, what Ms. Lim means by this is not what most people mean by this (mastitis in humans, calcium deficiency in cows/sheep/etc). But an interesting obscure fact!

Mamatoto

Mamatoto: a Celebration of Birth by Carroll Dunham and the Body Shop Team.

I read this because it's mentioned in one of my Birthing From Within resources; it is a lovely coffee-table book. And there are many interesting tidbits of cross-cultural information in it. Unfortunately, it is not annotated - i.e., there is no way to go find out more about any of these tidbits easily.

My favorite feature of the book are the "black pages" at the end of each chapter - with a note about something you don't want to know - a fact about birth that is not happy, shiny, or lovely in any way.

Unconditional Parenting

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn.

I had very mixed reactions to this book. On the one hand, I agree with the philosophy he's explaining and justifying with research. On the other hand, he's dogmatic, and directive. I don't respond well to dogmatic and directive. And it seems kind of counter to his argument, besides.

I feel given the courage of my convictions, though. I informed my son this week that I'm not giving out rewards for things he ought to do anyway. And I can see other gradual changes I might make in my own parenting choices.