Bestfeeding: How to Breastfeed Your Baby

Bestfeeding: How to Breastfeed Your Baby by Mary Renfrew, Chloe Fisher, and Suzanne Arms.

What a lovely book! So straight-forward. I think it would have been useful to me as a first-time mom; maybe even the second or third time around.

However, I would like to recognize a bit more ambiguity in my work with mothers than this book allows.

"Breastfeeding should never hurt, and if it does, it means you're doing it wrong," is one of the basic messages. That may be thoughtful, honest, intelligent, but I'm not sure it's necessary or kind. My own experience of breastfeeding the first time around was that it did hurt, a lot, for at least 6 weeks. And sometimes after that for another 6 weeks or so. I probably was doing some things wrong. But what I was doing right was persisting, getting to know my baby, working with him, telling him and myself we could do it . . .. In retrospect it would have been nice to know that his latch was lazy, I had a mild over-supply, and block feeding would help tremendously. On the other hand, I probably would not have listened if anyone had told me these things. For whatever reason, I believe he and I needed to work it out together, learning how to do it together. It was in some way part of our bonding process. And we made it.

My hope in working with mothers is to encourage their learning process as new mothers - whatever that includes. Simple, clear advice from me is good, and I should know the facts such as they are. But I never want to forget that the mother and baby's nursing relationship is not mine. It's theirs. And I am only incidental to it.

Sisters on a Journey: Portraits of American Midwives

Sisters on a Journey: Portraits of American Midwives by Penfield Chester.

I feel I have been given a treasure in this book; reading it felt nurturing and joyful.

Possibly in part because I began reading it at a birth (I was the sibling doula and the sibling was asleep.)

"Medical ethics are all about power - doctors' authority over patients, policing each other, shepherding the patient through the process - which doesn't have anything to do with what we [midwives] do. We are basically grounded in an ethic of relationship, in interaction and honesty. ... There is a discussion of how one makes an ethical decision based on one's values, and that's why we can't have an explicit ethics statement because everyone's decisions and how they act is dependent upon their social, cultural, racial, religious, and class background." p. 122 (Anne Frye)

"I would describe that one is either codependent with one's fellow humans, or co-creative with God." (p. 147, Faith Gibson)

I just want to keep the whole interview with Candace Whitridge and read it over and over again. I've never heard of her before, but it's so full of things I need to remember and know. One example is the recounting of an African folktale about birth (which I think I have heard before). "It's a one-person log. Only one person can get on this log." (p. 240)

After the Baby's Birth . . . A Woman's Way to Wellness

After the Baby's Birth . . . A Woman's Way to Wellness: A Complete Guide for Postpartum Women by Robin Lim

I have a very clear memory of my first "postpartum visit". I was only 3 1/2 (my mother was visiting this weekend and I asked her to help me date this memory). We went to visit a friend of my mother's who had just had a baby. I remember that we had to be quiet because she was resting. My mother explained to me that she needed lots of rest so she could make milk for her baby (who was very new.) It's amazing to me that I remember this occasion so clearly - I do have other clear memories from about that age, but most of my distinct memories date from when I was 5 or older.

Anyway, I think this is the first book I've ever read specifically about the postpartum period. But it's a topic I feel I know a lot about by osmosis and experience. And from that experience, this book seemed incredibly naive to me. Here's a quote: "What to you may seem like a giant problem actually may be a tiny obstacle." (Referring to breastfeeding.) Sure, that's possible. It's also possible that it really is a giant problem, or that it will continue being a giant problem until you gain some real knowledge, skills, and experience.

Oddly, the section I liked most is the part at the end about difficult postpartums: after miscarriage, after abortion, after placing a child for adoption, with a baby who dies or has significant health issues. Somehow the naivete there seems light and real, whereas in much of the rest of the book, it just reads as denial to me.

I do like the very complete and clear instructions for postpartum exercises including gentle, yogic and other energetic style moving meditations. And I learned a new term: milk fever (see http://www.growingwell.com/motherscorner/bfproblems.htm.) Apparently, what Ms. Lim means by this is not what most people mean by this (mastitis in humans, calcium deficiency in cows/sheep/etc). But an interesting obscure fact!

Mamatoto

Mamatoto: a Celebration of Birth by Carroll Dunham and the Body Shop Team.

I read this because it's mentioned in one of my Birthing From Within resources; it is a lovely coffee-table book. And there are many interesting tidbits of cross-cultural information in it. Unfortunately, it is not annotated - i.e., there is no way to go find out more about any of these tidbits easily.

My favorite feature of the book are the "black pages" at the end of each chapter - with a note about something you don't want to know - a fact about birth that is not happy, shiny, or lovely in any way.

Unconditional Parenting

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn.

I had very mixed reactions to this book. On the one hand, I agree with the philosophy he's explaining and justifying with research. On the other hand, he's dogmatic, and directive. I don't respond well to dogmatic and directive. And it seems kind of counter to his argument, besides.

I feel given the courage of my convictions, though. I informed my son this week that I'm not giving out rewards for things he ought to do anyway. And I can see other gradual changes I might make in my own parenting choices.

My Voice Will Go With You

My Voice Will Go With You: The Teaching Tales of Milton H. Erickson, edited & with commentary by Sidney Rosen.

Very useful, helpful book for me!

Here is a quote I loved:

"Too many therapists think that they must direct the change and help the patient to change. Therapy is like starting a snowball rolling at the top of a mountain. As it rolls down, it grows larger and larger and becomes an avalanche that fits the shape of the mountain." (p. 56)

And another one: "I think it's very important to take the patient seriously and meet his wishes. Not to exercise cold, hard judgment. And recognize that people need to learn things, that you really aren't competent to teach them all the things they need. That they can learn a lot on their own." (p. 122)

"You also ought to learn that it's not what you do, it's not what you say, but what the patient does, what the patient understands." (p. 154)

"Erickson's attitude indicated his belief that he could deal incisively with whatever situation arose. If the situation called for confrontation, he knew that he could do that. If it called for kindness, he could be kind . . . he had confidence in his ability to handle situations. We are free to identify with this feeling ourselves and to be more assertive." (p. 233)

There are a few stories in there I love either personally or because I know already that I will use them with parents or others. One is called '"Auto"-Hypnosis' - it describes a woman who pays Erickson to sit in his driveway in her car and think through her problem while imagining that he's in the car with her. She's her own therapist - but needs the outside catalyst of sitting in his driveway. Another is called 'Glare Ice' - Erickson teaches a man with an artificial leg how to walk on treacherous ice by confusing his senses and then leading him over the ice (while he doesn't know he's on the ice.)

The idea of initiating a small change to deal with a big problem is powerfully illustrated in a number of stories ('Claustrophobia' for one.)

Joining the patient is an interesting theme, too (well rendered in 'Ruth').

Probably my favorite story is 'Pearson's Brick'. A doctor experiences an accidental skull injury. If only Dr. Erickson were here, he thinks, but since he is not the doctor pulls himself together and gets himself to medical help on his own. Then he dictates the course of his own treatment, and recovers far more quickly than others expect. I know I will use this story with families who are struggling (or whom I think may need to struggle) with who is in charge of their birth: them, or their medical care providers?

There are also a couple of stories that I find offensive. My perspective on sexuality is very liberal and open-minded - but also based in firm values, including mutuality and respect. There are a couple of stories relating to sexual dysfunction in which the (apparently "successful") therapeutic approach does not create mutuality or respectful relationships, and it bothers me. However, I recognize that like everything else, attitudes and values about sexuality are products of the time and place they arise in, and I don't think that Erickson's contemporaries would have had the same reaction to these stories I did.

I had two experiences while or shortly after reading this book that I'd like to share.

I was lying on my bed reading and my middle child (almost 4 years old) came into the room yelling at his brother and swinging a large, heavy bat (don't ask - this sort of thing just happens at our house). More or less unintentionally, but not accidentally, he whacked me on the foot with it. I got up, grabbed the bat & put it away, and told him he was going to be sorry in a "big mama" kind of voice. He ran away and curled up on the couch, hiding his head under his arms. I went after him and sat down across from him. "When is it a good idea to hit someone?" I demanded. "Never," he said in a small, angry voice. "Are you a smart kid?" I demanded, several times, before a despairing, whimpered, "No," came from my child. At this point I picked him up and hugged him and reassured him that I still loved him. And that he is smart, because he knows hitting people isn't a good idea. And that knowing something and being able to do it are two different things sometimes. Within a couple of minutes he was ready to do something else - no fit, as there often is in situations like this. I'm darned if I can tell you why what I did worked. Or exactly how it is related to being in the middle of this book. But I know it did, and it was. I think what this experience shows me is that I do have the instincts or subconscious understanding of how to do this stuff (teaching tales, hypnosis, catalytic therapy) and if I have the confidence to apply it, it works.

The other is that yesterday, I was speaking with someone who's been involved in an uncomfortable email exchange with several others and myself recently. We were talking about how it's hard to convey meaning in email and misunderstandings can occur. I shared a story from the book about Erickson using sub-vocal cues to mislead a psychic to illustrate the point that there is much non-verbal communication that simply can't happen in email, and it was helpful in my conversation.

Finally, this book did bring up a recurring question for me about doing things that seem distinctly therapeutic and counseling oriented as a childbirth mentor and doula. My background as a church professional has taught me to be wary of providing counseling or therapy beyond fairly carefully constructed boundaries because I am not a trained counselor or therapist. I'm supposed to refer to a skilled psychiatrist or psychologist for anything beyond a one-time (or other brief interval) solution-focused pastoral visit. So I'm just wondering about what my boundaries are and should be as a mentor & doula.

Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering

Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering: A Doctor's Guide to Natural Childbirth and Gentle Early Parenting Choices by Sarah J. Buckley, MD.

There are some things I loved about this book. It's got good, detailed summaries of what current research shows about the 'hormone cocktail' of labor, about appropriate management of the third stage of labor (dealing with the placenta), and about the neuroscience of attachment in early infancy. I "knew" this stuff from reading about it on-line and in the press - but it's very useful to have it all laid out (and official looking.)

Sometimes, though, hearing all the "evidence" about any subject, even if I've done everything "right", raises my anxiety level. Too much information, my brain seems to signal. Overload. Shut down now. I guess I wish Buckley had gone a little further towards trusting parents to make the choices that are right for them, whether those choices match the state of current research or not. She's definitely waving in that direction, but she's not all the way there.

What good does it do to choose the "right" thing if it leaves you or your partner or your child uneasy or unhappy or in conflict with someone or something important to you?

Baby Catcher

Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife by Peggy Vincent.

I had read bits of this book before, but on the recommendation of Rixa Freeze I thought I'd try it again.

I still didn't really like much of it. I felt Vincent focused way too much on the "drama" of birth - the transfers, the near-misses or disasters, her experience being sued out of private practice.

However, there was one bit, in a description of her own birth-giving experience, that is absolute dynamite:

"The next contraction came grinding down on me, but it felt different. A white-hot hole of knowledge opened in my pain. I saw that in my effort to get around or under the pain, I'd been avoiding that central point of intensity, staying on the bring of the primitive surrender that's required to get a stubborn baby out. I'd talked hundreds of women into taking that leap of faith, that shut-your-eyes-and-jump moment of bravery. Like a girl standing on the high dive, walking back and forth the length of the board, shivering, going to the brink again to stare down into the water so far below - and then she's off, airborne. Free.

With sudden clarity, I knew it would have to hurt more before it got better. I wouldn't be able to circumvent the pain. I had to go through it, enter willingly into the void, holding nothing back. I had to jump off the diving board."

That's it. That's Finding the Center, one of the Birthing From Within pain-coping practices, in a nutshell. I've now used this passage in a class with parents, and I felt it really worked. I'll use it again!

A Gentle & Mindful Transition to Parenthood

Our Birthing From Within Keepsake Journal by Pan England, Section Eight: A Gentle & Mindful Transition to Parenthood and Section Nine: Preserving Memories of Your Pregnancy & Birth.

I have used the Postpartum Expectations exercise with parents in my childbirth classes several times. I like it, but I'm looking to branch out. I really love the looks of the Penny Game and maybe I'll try it in the next couple of weeks. If I do, I'll try to come back and comment on this post to share how it went.

Personally, I recognized that I need to work on following my bliss in ways other than being goal oriented. I'm doing well at focusing on goals that are important to me; I need to do better at allowing myself time to just be and just be creative.

I love the Joseph Campbell stuff about marriage. I wonder how I could use it?

And I drew my baby! It's not a very "good" drawing, but it was an interesting process - AND, even though it is very technically imperfect, it does LOOK like her to me.

Gestating Parenthood

Birthing From Within, by Pam England, Section VII: Gestating Parenthood.

On a personal level, it was very interesting revisiting this section after my most recent birth and postpartum period. The postpartum transition was especially difficult for me after my second child was born; this time after the birth of my third child has been, conversely, wonderful and healing. Re-reading the reminders to care for oneself as a new parent, for one's relationship as new parent-partners, and to be careful about how you remember your birth experience affirmed for me that my partner and I did learn from experience and do things differently in a way that worked better for us, this time.

On a professional level, re-reading this section reminded me to consider carefully leaving enough time in my class series to focus on the importance of the postpartum transition period. There is so much to do in a class - never enough time for it all - but this stuff is important.

On a practical note: the internet makes setting up postpartum help from family and friends MUCH easier than it was even 12 years ago when BFW was published. Here are some great sites you or a family member or friend can use to set up an interactive calendar of helpers for meals or more after your baby is born:

http://www.carecalendar.org/

http://www.foodtidings.com/

https://www.mealbaby.com/index.php

http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/

Personal Objectives for Advanced Level

"You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

. . . the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting . . . "

- Mary Oliver

I want to do work that brings me joy AND well-being, that is challenging, that makes me learn and grow and that I don't already know how to do. This work is not walking on my knees through the desert,though. I want to do what I'm called to do not despite the other callings of my life, but with them.

My long-term vision is to bring a deeper understanding of caring for families welcoming children to congregations and ministers, especially Unitarian Universalists. Certification as a Mentor is only a first step on that journey. This work is the foundation-building for that house. To reach the whole vision I'll need to learn more about adoption and pastoral care as it's understood and practiced in Unitarian Universalist churches. And I'll need a Master's degree, most likely an M.Div., to be truly taken seriously in those 'temples'.

That building is a long way off. But the work with parents is a wellspring.

I did a drawing to see what would come of these ideas in pastels on paper:

Obviously, this is the goal, the objective, not reality. In reality, many times not everyone is smiling at the same time. In reality, there're fewer stacks of fat cash!

The questions which float up to me from my image making are these:

Where and what are the obstacles in my way?

Am I now an apprentice or a Journeyman?

And what would Mastery mean?

My formal OBJECTIVES:

1. Continue to build my experience and skill in mentoring parents
2. Get certified!
3. Learn, learn, learn about all things pregnancy, birth, and parenting
4. Break even or better financially
5. Connect with other wonderful mentors & colleagues
6. Learn about myself in this 'mirror'

Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting

by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn

I chose this book off of my library shelves . . . I was looking for something to help me as I move deeper into parenting three children, all under 5 until next month.

I found it deeply reassuring. The writing is very non-judgmental most of the time. The authors seem to truly believe and understand that every parent is different, every child is different, every family dynamic is different, and there is no one right way to do this thing - only tools they can share with parents seeking a mindful path.

I have a child (my oldest) who is very "high needs". He has been incredibly intense and demanding since birth. And challenging to me, as a parent. I have read a lot of parenting books over the years. Most of them have left me feeling, "well, that's nice, but it doesn't really apply and wouldn't really work with [my son], even if it's a good idea for most kids (even my other kids)." (Or, let's be honest, sometimes I'm thinking "what, are they crazy? Who would this work with?" LOL!) This book wasn't like that at all. I felt that most of the discussion was just as relevant to how I parent my oldest as it was to how I parent my other two, more 'typical' children.

Which brings me to my other thought about this book: I love that it is truly about how parents parent, not about how to parent to change your child in xyz way. I don't believe it's our job as parents to change our children. Sometimes our job is to help our children change themselves. Our job is always to change ourselves as parents to best adapt to the situations we find ourselves in.

I'm going to post quotes from the book as Status Updates on the Larger Circle Facebook Page. If you aren't a Fan yet, become one!