Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering

Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering: A Doctor's Guide to Natural Childbirth and Gentle Early Parenting Choices by Sarah J. Buckley, MD.

There are some things I loved about this book. It's got good, detailed summaries of what current research shows about the 'hormone cocktail' of labor, about appropriate management of the third stage of labor (dealing with the placenta), and about the neuroscience of attachment in early infancy. I "knew" this stuff from reading about it on-line and in the press - but it's very useful to have it all laid out (and official looking.)

Sometimes, though, hearing all the "evidence" about any subject, even if I've done everything "right", raises my anxiety level. Too much information, my brain seems to signal. Overload. Shut down now. I guess I wish Buckley had gone a little further towards trusting parents to make the choices that are right for them, whether those choices match the state of current research or not. She's definitely waving in that direction, but she's not all the way there.

What good does it do to choose the "right" thing if it leaves you or your partner or your child uneasy or unhappy or in conflict with someone or something important to you?

Baby Catcher

Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife by Peggy Vincent.

I had read bits of this book before, but on the recommendation of Rixa Freeze I thought I'd try it again.

I still didn't really like much of it. I felt Vincent focused way too much on the "drama" of birth - the transfers, the near-misses or disasters, her experience being sued out of private practice.

However, there was one bit, in a description of her own birth-giving experience, that is absolute dynamite:

"The next contraction came grinding down on me, but it felt different. A white-hot hole of knowledge opened in my pain. I saw that in my effort to get around or under the pain, I'd been avoiding that central point of intensity, staying on the bring of the primitive surrender that's required to get a stubborn baby out. I'd talked hundreds of women into taking that leap of faith, that shut-your-eyes-and-jump moment of bravery. Like a girl standing on the high dive, walking back and forth the length of the board, shivering, going to the brink again to stare down into the water so far below - and then she's off, airborne. Free.

With sudden clarity, I knew it would have to hurt more before it got better. I wouldn't be able to circumvent the pain. I had to go through it, enter willingly into the void, holding nothing back. I had to jump off the diving board."

That's it. That's Finding the Center, one of the Birthing From Within pain-coping practices, in a nutshell. I've now used this passage in a class with parents, and I felt it really worked. I'll use it again!

A Gentle & Mindful Transition to Parenthood

Our Birthing From Within Keepsake Journal by Pan England, Section Eight: A Gentle & Mindful Transition to Parenthood and Section Nine: Preserving Memories of Your Pregnancy & Birth.

I have used the Postpartum Expectations exercise with parents in my childbirth classes several times. I like it, but I'm looking to branch out. I really love the looks of the Penny Game and maybe I'll try it in the next couple of weeks. If I do, I'll try to come back and comment on this post to share how it went.

Personally, I recognized that I need to work on following my bliss in ways other than being goal oriented. I'm doing well at focusing on goals that are important to me; I need to do better at allowing myself time to just be and just be creative.

I love the Joseph Campbell stuff about marriage. I wonder how I could use it?

And I drew my baby! It's not a very "good" drawing, but it was an interesting process - AND, even though it is very technically imperfect, it does LOOK like her to me.

Gestating Parenthood

Birthing From Within, by Pam England, Section VII: Gestating Parenthood.

On a personal level, it was very interesting revisiting this section after my most recent birth and postpartum period. The postpartum transition was especially difficult for me after my second child was born; this time after the birth of my third child has been, conversely, wonderful and healing. Re-reading the reminders to care for oneself as a new parent, for one's relationship as new parent-partners, and to be careful about how you remember your birth experience affirmed for me that my partner and I did learn from experience and do things differently in a way that worked better for us, this time.

On a professional level, re-reading this section reminded me to consider carefully leaving enough time in my class series to focus on the importance of the postpartum transition period. There is so much to do in a class - never enough time for it all - but this stuff is important.

On a practical note: the internet makes setting up postpartum help from family and friends MUCH easier than it was even 12 years ago when BFW was published. Here are some great sites you or a family member or friend can use to set up an interactive calendar of helpers for meals or more after your baby is born:

http://www.carecalendar.org/

http://www.foodtidings.com/

https://www.mealbaby.com/index.php

http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/

Personal Objectives for Advanced Level

"You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

. . . the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting . . . "

- Mary Oliver

I want to do work that brings me joy AND well-being, that is challenging, that makes me learn and grow and that I don't already know how to do. This work is not walking on my knees through the desert,though. I want to do what I'm called to do not despite the other callings of my life, but with them.

My long-term vision is to bring a deeper understanding of caring for families welcoming children to congregations and ministers, especially Unitarian Universalists. Certification as a Mentor is only a first step on that journey. This work is the foundation-building for that house. To reach the whole vision I'll need to learn more about adoption and pastoral care as it's understood and practiced in Unitarian Universalist churches. And I'll need a Master's degree, most likely an M.Div., to be truly taken seriously in those 'temples'.

That building is a long way off. But the work with parents is a wellspring.

I did a drawing to see what would come of these ideas in pastels on paper:

Obviously, this is the goal, the objective, not reality. In reality, many times not everyone is smiling at the same time. In reality, there're fewer stacks of fat cash!

The questions which float up to me from my image making are these:

Where and what are the obstacles in my way?

Am I now an apprentice or a Journeyman?

And what would Mastery mean?

My formal OBJECTIVES:

1. Continue to build my experience and skill in mentoring parents
2. Get certified!
3. Learn, learn, learn about all things pregnancy, birth, and parenting
4. Break even or better financially
5. Connect with other wonderful mentors & colleagues
6. Learn about myself in this 'mirror'

Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting

by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn

I chose this book off of my library shelves . . . I was looking for something to help me as I move deeper into parenting three children, all under 5 until next month.

I found it deeply reassuring. The writing is very non-judgmental most of the time. The authors seem to truly believe and understand that every parent is different, every child is different, every family dynamic is different, and there is no one right way to do this thing - only tools they can share with parents seeking a mindful path.

I have a child (my oldest) who is very "high needs". He has been incredibly intense and demanding since birth. And challenging to me, as a parent. I have read a lot of parenting books over the years. Most of them have left me feeling, "well, that's nice, but it doesn't really apply and wouldn't really work with [my son], even if it's a good idea for most kids (even my other kids)." (Or, let's be honest, sometimes I'm thinking "what, are they crazy? Who would this work with?" LOL!) This book wasn't like that at all. I felt that most of the discussion was just as relevant to how I parent my oldest as it was to how I parent my other two, more 'typical' children.

Which brings me to my other thought about this book: I love that it is truly about how parents parent, not about how to parent to change your child in xyz way. I don't believe it's our job as parents to change our children. Sometimes our job is to help our children change themselves. Our job is always to change ourselves as parents to best adapt to the situations we find ourselves in.

I'm going to post quotes from the book as Status Updates on the Larger Circle Facebook Page. If you aren't a Fan yet, become one!

New Website is Up!

While I will still use this blog for blogging purposes, if you are looking for more information about me and my doula or childbirth education services, please visit:

www.largercircle.org

Thanks!

The Labor Progress Handbook, 2nd Edition

by Penny Simkin and Ruth Ancheta

Wow. This book is so useful, especially for someone like me whose mind works best in a linear, graphic way. Starting with definitions and moving from before labor through pre-labor, early labor, active labor, to second stage, the authors explore why and how labor can be dysfunctional and what to do to restore it to functionality. There are also sections with specific descriptions of maternal positions and movements, and comfort measures.

I do know, however, that in labor or when with a woman in labor, one doesn't necessarily use the information laid out here in such a linear A-B-C way. Intuition plays a big role, and communication, in deciding what to actually do in the moment when something is making a labor difficult and long. Oftentimes, though, I think birth attendants can feel just as "stuck" as the mom does when things are not going smoothly, and having the information in this book (or maybe even the book itself!) at hand to get some new ideas working could be a huge help at those times.

Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year

by Susun S. Weed

I loved this book. It really appealed to my emotional roots in the semi-counter-culture of the 80's, where I spent a lot of time as a child absorbing the cool differentness of my parents and their friends.

It's also actually a useful resource :-) It describes the properties and uses of a variety of herbs in a variety of forms for a variety of problems and/or needs during the time just before, during, and just after pregnancy. While I have read other books which include herbal remedies for childbearing, I felt this book gave me a better sense of herbs as medicine and how to use them as such in a way that respects their potency and potential for benefit . . . and harm. I also appreciated the detailed instructions on how to find, prepare, and store herbs for medicinal use.

One thing I did notice was that there is not a lot of explanation of why herbs work. That is a little off-putting to the scholar-huntress in me. I want to understand why and how things work, and I like it when people experiment and find empirical evidence for what they think and what they think works. That is not the place the author of this book is coming from. The herbalist tradition, at least as she presents it, is one of inherited wisdom which can be added to by an herbalist's personal experience, but which does not really need to be skeptically verified. I respect this perspective, but it's not one I choose for myself very often.

Pregnancy & Birth: The Best Evidence - Making Decisions that Are Right for You and Your Baby

by Joyce Barrett, MD, and Teresa Pitman

I think this would be a great book for libraries to have (mine didn't) and for me to have to share with parents I'm working with if they are the sort of parents who are very interested in research and making the "right" choice. Although since the book is almost 10 years old at this point, I might prefer to send people to a resource like The Cochrane Collaboration which is at least in theory updated regularly.

Many topics are unlikely to change over time, however - the risks and benefits of, say, episiotomy, aren't going to suddenly reverse in predominance. It's more the stuff that hadn't been researched 10 years ago that might be out of date.

The Birth Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Safe and Satisfying Birth

By William Sears, MD and Martha Sears, RN

This book is, of course, a classic, and I've read it a couple of times before.

What I noticed reading through (most of) it this time was the spirit of it: it's a spirit of fighting for what you want/believe is right, and of seeking for the information you need. And the Searses believe that they know what you should want/believe is right/information you need. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I can see how it might feel judging to some people in some circumstances, which I'm not sure I've seen or understood before.

I was interested in the biochemical/mechanical explanation of why relaxation in labor is important to pain coping. It makes sense; and I still kind of wonder about the emphasis on relaxation. My personal experience tells me that no matter how relaxed I am, I'm still going to experience cervical stretching as painful, and that for me, more active pain coping practices will work better.

But I'm not the only kind of person in the world. And so I'm inspired to keep working to improve my ability to help women labor who need more active ways of laboring, and those who need my help or encouragement to relax.

The Complete Book of Pregnancy & Childbirth

I'm doing my doula reading . . .

The Complete Book of Pregnancy & Childbirth (4th Edition) by Sheila Kitzinger is beautifully written. It's innocent, poetic, and inspiring.

It also drove me kind of nuts.

Reading it reminded me of this scenario: imagine a parent teaching her teenage child to drive. She wants to be positive and encouraging, and so as her child is driving along she says something like this, "Oh, honey, I'm so excited that you're learning to drive! It's going to be so great for you to be able to get places on your own! You're getting so mature and WATCH OUT FOR THAT CURB!"

Much of the text is very problem focused. I like it better than, say, What to Expect When You're Expecting because the problems it's focused on are the problems I am personally biased to see as real, rather than those I see as iatrogenic. But I still feel more supported and nourished as a doula, mentor, and human being by authors who help me find solutions that work for me than by those who spend a lot of time pointing out all the things that can go wrong.

There is lots of good information in this book, though, and one particular section really surprised me by describing for the first time I've seen in print or on-line an exact scenario (involving 1st trimester bleeding) which I experienced in my first pregnancy but never really had explained or validated before.